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PrintTantra and Creating Transformational Space for Couples
by Diana Daffner
A tantric love relationship is a spiritual community of two; a transformational space that offers an effective and delightful way of opening to the fullness of our blissful human existence. Tantra is not just a sexual position or a breathing routine; it is a deliberate atmosphere in which profound change can take place.
According to Psychotherapist and Kripalu Yoga Master Stephen Cope, we need transformational environments; cocoons such as schools or ashrams, that allow us to mature our rebirthing into wholeness. In Yoga and the Quest for the True Self, Cope suggests eight specific qualities that one should look for in an authentic transformational space. Each of these can be cultivated and expanded by a couple dedicated to a sincere tantric lovemaking practice in their relationship.
A transformational space creates a quality of refuge. Lovemaking within a committed relationship offers a safe haven; a place where we can drop our masks and be our own true selves. Where better to feel protected than in the arms of our beloved? A tantric relationship is consciously nurturing and supportive, continually replenishing our supply of love.
Outside of this relationship we may have work, family or health responsibilities that drain us. Within the relationship, highlighted by tantric lovemaking, we regain our resiliency and fortify ourselves with a healthy dose of love that strengthens our immune system and lightens our lives.
A transformational space creates safety through constancy in relationship. While newness may breed excitement, a constant and reliable partnership provides us with a safe and dependable place to be ourselves. With a partner dedicated to our well-being, we blossom like a budding flower, our roots grow strong and deep and we are cherished and beloved.
Constancy in relationship provides an assurance of safe sex and ongoing emotional engagement. The very heart of tantra calls upon us to be constant and steadfast in our development and our evolution. Our commitment is not only to each other, but also to the spiritual practice of relationship itself.
A transformational space encourages creativity and experimentation. Openness and honesty about our sexuality encourages creativity and refinement. Couples that enter into tantra are experimenting not only with the physical possibilities of expanded and multiple orgasm, but also with the subtle energies of qi, the internal life force and the vitality of breath and spirit. Tantra views all life as an experiment; a joyous opportunity for conscious awakening.
A transformational space is organized around "transitional objects" that are constant and reliable. In tantra, we use candles and incense to create a sacred space for our loving. We embellish our surroundings with meaningful items on an altar or colorful clothes on a bed. Erotic or soulful music helps set the stage and keeps our focus on the practice.
We bring our bodies to the rendezvous; our body parts, our breasts, our genitals and our healing and exploring hands. We consciously create ceremony through our attention to the environment and one another. Ceremony renews us, alters our perception of space and time and invites us into a rhythmic harmony of divine dimensions.
A transformational space does not deify these objects. Our devotion is to the consciousness of love, not to the vehicles or ceremonies that take us there. Although we honor and take great delight in our bodies, what we glorify in our lovemaking is not our bodies, but the energy within, the pulsation of love that moves through us, connecting us to one another and to the source of life itself.
A transformational space provides us with a way of finding out who we are. Oh, the masks we wear! How we protect ourselves and hide ourselves. Relationship is where we can truly see our strengths and weaknesses. Our yin and yang tendencies are exposed and juxtaposed, inviting us to explore our habits and our dispositions. Lovemaking allows us to experiment with being the wild woman or the receptive man. We can use fantasy to bring out parts of ourselves that normally remain hidden, and when we allow our beloved to look deeply into our eyes, we reveal our soul and discover our spiritual self.
A transformational space does not have to be perfect. Each lovemaking is unique and different. Like daily meditation, we do not pass judgment each time. It is the continued spiritual practice itself that matters, not the specific results of one day's session. Sometimes there will be unbelievable, explosive orgasms for one or both partners. Sometimes there will be cosmic stillness in which the soul is unveiled. Sometimes there may be disappointment and frustration. Sometimes there will be laughter; other times there may be tears. So many things can go awry!
A new position may be found to be physically impossible. Company may arrive early, a family emergency may intrude or a bed frame may collapse. An edible oil may have an appalling taste! Rather than requiring that each session be perfect, resulting in an expected consummation, the goal instead is to be in the here and now; to be deeply present with one another. Tantra provides an alternative to the linear message of "getting off" and asks that we play in the center of an ever-widening circle of conscious awareness.
A transformational space is open to and supports other paths to development. While a loving and sacred sexual connection is a prime ingredient in our relationship, there are other spiritual sources that we embrace, both individually and as a couple. Our shared experience of the true essence of love allows us to welcome our relationships with others and to enjoy activities that bring fulfillment in all areas of our lives. On a truly global level, our loving actually expands and sustains the accessibility of love for all beings on the planet.
Tantra takes us out of our personal emotions and brings us to a heightened and sophisticated level of mindfulness, both in and out of the bedroom. We set aside our fearful illusions of separation and move courageously ahead into sacred territory, into the holy ground of our own beingness. As we recognize and embody our infinite oneness, we are transformed. Making love, we find ourselves in the space where love itself is created. And so it is.
Diana Daffner, with her husband Richard, is the author of Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day. The Daffners lead romantic vacation/workshops for couples and developed Tantra Tai Chi, a qigong-style movement program that enhances intimacy in all levels—physical, emotional and spiritual. To learn more, call 941-349-6804 or visit IntimacyRetreats.com.
